View Profile tarantuloid
used to do "professional reviews" but now you get uncut southern opinion take it from me that's worth its weight in solid gold
don't let my favorites fool you i'll review ANYTHING on request i just got an eye for porn and newgrounds has good talent there

john jones @tarantuloid

24, Male

demon hunter


great falls SC

Joined on 3/25/13

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tarantuloid's News

Posted by tarantuloid - March 12th, 2020

did you miss me~?

real talk though my computer still isn't fully fixed. i got a new one for more business related matters so i can't watch porn of any kind on it i will NOT risk a virus on that thing it cost me too much money and i don't have that in great supply.i DID however manage to *clears throat* "convince" some "old friends" who owed me money and my last favor to jury rig my broken computer so it doesn't shut off when i use it for longer than five minutes now. still has to stay plugged in and it's prone to slowdown but it IS functional and as far as i'm concerned fixed enough to use again.

alot happened since i was last on here, don't wanna bore you with the details but let's just say i'm more single than ever and happily so, have next to no fucking friends left in my life and even the ones i have are kinda distant and never talk to me unless i make the effort (and i'm heavily antisocial when i'm at home), aaaaand i had another mental meltdown the likes of which i haven't had in almost a decade. though on the upside i made sure i got my head straight before i posted this and came back. can't for the life of me remember what the fuck i was doing before i left though. bad side effect of that meltdown i mentioned, i got a split personality now and my memory is shot. then again it was never too good to begin with but let's not get semantical.

beyond that i wound up getting a twitch, and a *shiver* twitter... and i quit my job as an author. not really much beyond that. so yeah nice to be back.

OH WAIT! lemme check if panthea uploaded since my last review! *checks* didn't think they would. sucks too, they had so much potential but i guess they pulled a bethesda and said "if we can't have it our way then you can't have it at all." oh well.

see you in the review section!

Posted by tarantuloid - July 11th, 2019

so i get a good portion of the way through reviewing Elisha's art and my computer decides to give up the ghost.

i can only keep it on for like half an hour or so at a time from the time i launch my first program. and i had to work my ass off for a month straight to get it to do that!

this ofcourse means reviewing shit is completely out of the question since i have other things i do online before reviews. i can't afford to nor do i have the patience to do what i've been doing (type the review or post or whatever in office and save frequently copy paste then post) for new reviews. i just barely managed to keep my already fractured sanity long enough to leave my review on the latest panthea release this way. so until i can call in a few favors i will be stopping all my reviews outside of dropping star ratings on things from my phone. sorry Elisha. i'll be doing your art first thing when all this crap is settled you have my word.


Posted by tarantuloid - May 27th, 2019

so i got a request and after some life fixing (a common occurrence but a necessary one) i finally have a battle plan

Elisha has requested me to review all of their art

now ofcourse i can't review ALL of it some of it is more than likely wip and the such but i can now confirm i will be reviewing every finished project of theirs i can get my claws on

as for how it will go i have absolutely zero fucking idea i've never done a project this damn big but i made a promise and i'm gonna honor it if it takes me a damned year

so see you all soon and in case you wanna have a look yourself here's a little link to their profile so you can get a look too

(seriously check it out the art is pretty damn sweet)


Posted by tarantuloid - April 28th, 2019

okay so i was really hyped up on adrenaline and painkillers (i've been sick as a fucking dog the past week or so) on that last post so let's try and put this in a better perspective what i plan to do

one thing i said in my last post that was true was that that "professional review" personality i was putting on is gone made feel iffy and obligated and i don't think good reviews can really come out of that unless you're built to make em that way

and while i was getting kinda good at it

that shit as anyone who knows me well enough will tell you is NOT me

that however does not mean i will not be reviewing things properly i'm still gonna point out all the nice things with the bad shit i'm just not gonna follow this pin point bullet list that makes me sound like a corporate robot i wanna talk about the stuff that stood out to me personally and would make me recommend what i viewed to other people or vice versa

i'm not gonna turn into some rude prick who curses everybody out for breathing his air (come on now momma raised me better than that) but it doesn't mean i won't call something fucking terrible if i think it is

i'll just be more constructive about it ain't no use in calling something shit if you can't think of a way to improve it so i'll stick to that rule as best i can

and if some of these new reviews go over the line well thank god for the review edit button and the fact i'm not too much of a stubborn asshole to know when it's time to eat a slice of shut the fuck up and apologise

some people might not accept but that's their problem and making things right is mine so burn the bridges as you come to em

i think lastly i should clarify i'm not gonna turn into some crazy jerk i'm still gonna be the same old nice guy people have been talking to i just might casually throw the word shit around now and again or something like that and i'm less likely to take any bullshit you might try to serve me (noone has tried to yet but cover your bases know what i mean?)

anyway hope you all have a better time than i'm having with this illness and have a good day night morning evening etc.

Posted by tarantuloid - April 25th, 2019

if there's one thing i love about this website it's how people stick the fuck together like glue!

on my last post i said how i was dropping my "professional reviews" and i am that's never coming back instead what you get now is my unbiased souther opinion

no hitting bullet points

or making sure i mention how good this is or can't forget how good this looks

no that industry shit isn't me and i was stupid to think it ever would be but that's alright i own up to my mistakes and i use them as a blade to carve my way forward (yeah i'm still a little bit of an edgy weeb some shit never changes)

i think these new reviews will be much better for me and the creator of the reviewed content

rather they know it or not

this change might not be nice for the creator side of things real me is mean as a rattlesnake with a tongue of solid steel but i do have feelings i'm not some grumpy dickhead who just angrily yells at people...well i mean unless i'm angry but i'd like to think i have enough brain cells to rub together to cool off before writing a review

or not

that's part of the fun~

i don't know what will happen!

and you know what after all that professional review cleanliness that feels really fucking good

see you in the review section and beyond!

Posted by tarantuloid - April 25th, 2019

hey guys it's me again yeah i know the guy noone really pays too much attention to

listen i did alot of soul searching over the past week and i don't mean the usual shit

there were tears and insane levels of depression involved

but anyway i'm not here for a pity party i'm here to tell you i'm dropping my nice guy reviewer thing

it was nice and it was fun to pretend like i was crazy good at it and be all official but it wasn't exactly going anywhere and it's not like i was getting fan mail every few weeks so all it really did was make me feel shitty for not reviewing anything and in the end i feel like me doing this will make me alot more active on the site and give me a new lease on my newgrounds life

and maybe for once I CAN FRIGGIN CATCH MADNESS DAY! (i SERIOUSLY need a calendar)

anyway i'll still review something if anyone asks but i'm kinda just gonna go radio silent unless someone talks to me first or i need to settle some beef or something like that

Posted by tarantuloid - April 3rd, 2019

i had to make a tough decision tonight i decided to liquify all of my art reviews

though alot of them might have been salvageable there were just too damn many nd i wrote most of them when i was just a sneaky teen looking at the naughty stuff on a library computer and i thought being gay sent you to hell so i think i'll just go review my favorite art at some point but i feel like i should stick to movies and games maybe music i'm no art critic and it's best to know my limits rather than utterly fail later

nothing left now but my audio reviews and i'll be all caught up

Posted by tarantuloid - April 2nd, 2019

i wrote so many fucking reviews.....

Posted by tarantuloid - March 28th, 2019

so i've been really quiet... hold on that wasn't accurate i've been quieter than gordon freeman lately and low and behold newgrounds got a pretty fucking big update while i was hibernating in my coffin of grape juice (don't ask it's a joke with a friend) FINALLY letting you edit and delete reviews so i thought i should probably reformat my profile to match and maybe get off my ass and review some shit so i'm gonna be taking a look at my review list and removing and redoing some of my reviews to get ready for the future...or atleast whatever future i have on here to be honest my existence is one of mass confusion and bouts of occasional depression but we'll see how shit goes down

yours truly

your friendly neighborhood demon hunter


ps i know i don't use punctuation marks don't worry college will probably break that habit

Posted by tarantuloid - February 17th, 2018

look i won't sugarcoat it for you everyone the last two to three  years of my life have been and continue to be an on and off mental physical and emotional hell for me that i'm only now slowly starting to crawl my way slowly out of 

as you can guess that left me not in the best state to review anything other than the adult content i used to "take the edge off" and even then i'd be too exhausted to do that sometimes 

i won't lie to you and say i'm gonna jump back on the site with renewed vigor or anything since i feel a little bad about how a few of the little "phases" i went through kinda caught my newgrounds reviews in the crossfire i said some shit i'm not proud of and it's like that embarassing email you make as a kid it sticks with you 

i am however gonna try and be more active here try and step out of the adult spectrum of the site like i used to after school and just lose myself in the games and movies hell maybe i'll finally sober up and catch my favorite newgrounds holiday madness day (what can i say i just really love a good bloody fight) 

in short no i'm not back and badder than ever but hey if you message me i'll actually be in a sane enough mood to say something back when i get the time 

sincerely yours john jones aka tarantuloid

ps. that youtube thing didn't really go anywhere :/