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tarantuloid
used to do "professional reviews" but now you get uncut southern opinion take it from me that's worth its weight in solid gold
don't let my favorites fool you i'll review ANYTHING on request i just got an eye for porn and newgrounds has good talent there

john jones @tarantuloid

Age 27, Male

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great falls SC

Joined on 3/25/13

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tarantuloid's News

Posted by tarantuloid - June 7th, 2021


something important needs to be said about certain reviews on adult animations. some of you will already know the reviews I'm talking about and a few more of you will know a certain "creator" who fits the bill. I use creator in quotations because noone who sniffs their own farts over being able to make images of MS paint move has any right to talk shit about other creators. these reviews like "ew furry" or "can't believe you did all this work to make this perverted trash" need to be REPORTED. don't react to them and just leave them REPORT THEM. you are doing a disservice to the creator they are harassing, the newgrounds community as a whole, and YOURSELF by just leaving them there with the attention they clearly want. REPORT THEM AND MOVE ON. if you feel you have to react to them fine do so AFTER YOU REPORT THEM. those specific reviews I mentioned fall under abuse. they are targeted harassment of both furry and adult creators respectively. do not sit on this, it is not something that should be tolerated by any reviewer worth their spit or anyone who considers newgrounds their internet home. I realize I'm no creator hell I'm barely active in the review section these days but this is a fucking problem and this is the only solution. least until tom gives us the option to report profiles in which case I'll probably be gone in a week for daring to use the dreaded swear words but my point here stands. report abusive and spam reviews, don't be a lazy ass.


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4

Posted by tarantuloid - April 6th, 2021


there are three types of people who will leave paragraph long reviews in your review sections.


  1. people who care and genuinely had a paragraph worth of shit to say.
  2. people who are stuck up or being pissy and just want to dump all their thoughts noone else cares about on your lap.
  3. wannabe professionals. saying a whole lotta nothing and trying to dress it up as a whole lotta something that all coulda been condensed down to "nice lol" be it sarcastic or not.


i know this because i've been all three and my current goal is to only type a review that long when i'm in category 1. you need to learn the difference and make the distinction. it'll save you lots of time and alot of headache when it comes to learning to improve. thanks for your time, now here's wonderwall.


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Posted by tarantuloid - March 29th, 2021


i noticed one of my reviews doesn't seem to be liked very much so i wanted to give a super short post on it. it's my review for this post right mya: https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/785840


i just wanted to say: cry about it to someone who cares. i'm here to help creators improve not shower them in unending praise while burying their fuck ups.


the creator of the movie didn't fuck up at all is the funny part. i just said the movie was a little goofy and the ending gave me blue balls. hell i liked it.


summary: if you don't like opinions, stay out of the review section.


just glad tom never fucked up and added user comments to those reviews, that'd be a whole new fresh hell.


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Posted by tarantuloid - March 12th, 2020


did you miss me~?


real talk though my computer still isn't fully fixed. i got a new one for more business related matters so i can't watch porn of any kind on it i will NOT risk a virus on that thing it cost me too much money and i don't have that in great supply.i DID however manage to *clears throat* "convince" some "old friends" who owed me money and my last favor to jury rig my broken computer so it doesn't shut off when i use it for longer than five minutes now. still has to stay plugged in and it's prone to slowdown but it IS functional and as far as i'm concerned fixed enough to use again.


alot happened since i was last on here, don't wanna bore you with the details but let's just say i'm more single than ever and happily so, have next to no fucking friends left in my life and even the ones i have are kinda distant and never talk to me unless i make the effort (and i'm heavily antisocial when i'm at home), aaaaand i had another mental meltdown the likes of which i haven't had in almost a decade. though on the upside i made sure i got my head straight before i posted this and came back. can't for the life of me remember what the fuck i was doing before i left though. bad side effect of that meltdown i mentioned, i got a split personality now and my memory is shot. then again it was never too good to begin with but let's not get semantical.


beyond that i wound up getting a twitch, and a *shiver* twitter... and i quit my job as an author. not really much beyond that. so yeah nice to be back.


OH WAIT! lemme check if panthea uploaded since my last review! *checks* didn't think they would. sucks too, they had so much potential but i guess they pulled a bethesda and said "if we can't have it our way then you can't have it at all." oh well.


see you in the review section!



Posted by tarantuloid - July 11th, 2019


so i get a good portion of the way through reviewing Elisha's art and my computer decides to give up the ghost.

i can only keep it on for like half an hour or so at a time from the time i launch my first program. and i had to work my ass off for a month straight to get it to do that!

this ofcourse means reviewing shit is completely out of the question since i have other things i do online before reviews. i can't afford to nor do i have the patience to do what i've been doing (type the review or post or whatever in office and save frequently copy paste then post) for new reviews. i just barely managed to keep my already fractured sanity long enough to leave my review on the latest panthea release this way. so until i can call in a few favors i will be stopping all my reviews outside of dropping star ratings on things from my phone. sorry Elisha. i'll be doing your art first thing when all this crap is settled you have my word.


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Posted by tarantuloid - May 27th, 2019


so i got a request and after some life fixing (a common occurrence but a necessary one) i finally have a battle plan

Elisha has requested me to review all of their art

now ofcourse i can't review ALL of it some of it is more than likely wip and the such but i can now confirm i will be reviewing every finished project of theirs i can get my claws on

as for how it will go i have absolutely zero fucking idea i've never done a project this damn big but i made a promise and i'm gonna honor it if it takes me a damned year

so see you all soon and in case you wanna have a look yourself here's a little link to their profile so you can get a look too

(seriously check it out the art is pretty damn sweet)

https://elisha.newgrounds.com/art


Posted by tarantuloid - April 28th, 2019


okay so i was really hyped up on adrenaline and painkillers (i've been sick as a fucking dog the past week or so) on that last post so let's try and put this in a better perspective what i plan to do

one thing i said in my last post that was true was that that "professional review" personality i was putting on is gone made feel iffy and obligated and i don't think good reviews can really come out of that unless you're built to make em that way

and while i was getting kinda good at it

that shit as anyone who knows me well enough will tell you is NOT me

that however does not mean i will not be reviewing things properly i'm still gonna point out all the nice things with the bad shit i'm just not gonna follow this pin point bullet list that makes me sound like a corporate robot i wanna talk about the stuff that stood out to me personally and would make me recommend what i viewed to other people or vice versa

i'm not gonna turn into some rude prick who curses everybody out for breathing his air (come on now momma raised me better than that) but it doesn't mean i won't call something fucking terrible if i think it is

i'll just be more constructive about it ain't no use in calling something shit if you can't think of a way to improve it so i'll stick to that rule as best i can

and if some of these new reviews go over the line well thank god for the review edit button and the fact i'm not too much of a stubborn asshole to know when it's time to eat a slice of shut the fuck up and apologise

some people might not accept but that's their problem and making things right is mine so burn the bridges as you come to em

i think lastly i should clarify i'm not gonna turn into some crazy jerk i'm still gonna be the same old nice guy people have been talking to i just might casually throw the word shit around now and again or something like that and i'm less likely to take any bullshit you might try to serve me (noone has tried to yet but cover your bases know what i mean?)


anyway hope you all have a better time than i'm having with this illness and have a good day night morning evening etc.


Posted by tarantuloid - April 25th, 2019


if there's one thing i love about this website it's how people stick the fuck together like glue!

on my last post i said how i was dropping my "professional reviews" and i am that's never coming back instead what you get now is my unbiased souther opinion

no hitting bullet points

or making sure i mention how good this is or can't forget how good this looks

no that industry shit isn't me and i was stupid to think it ever would be but that's alright i own up to my mistakes and i use them as a blade to carve my way forward (yeah i'm still a little bit of an edgy weeb some shit never changes)

i think these new reviews will be much better for me and the creator of the reviewed content

rather they know it or not

this change might not be nice for the creator side of things real me is mean as a rattlesnake with a tongue of solid steel but i do have feelings i'm not some grumpy dickhead who just angrily yells at people...well i mean unless i'm angry but i'd like to think i have enough brain cells to rub together to cool off before writing a review

or not

that's part of the fun~

i don't know what will happen!

and you know what after all that professional review cleanliness that feels really fucking good

see you in the review section and beyond!


Posted by tarantuloid - April 25th, 2019


hey guys it's me again yeah i know the guy noone really pays too much attention to

listen i did alot of soul searching over the past week and i don't mean the usual shit

there were tears and insane levels of depression involved

but anyway i'm not here for a pity party i'm here to tell you i'm dropping my nice guy reviewer thing

it was nice and it was fun to pretend like i was crazy good at it and be all official but it wasn't exactly going anywhere and it's not like i was getting fan mail every few weeks so all it really did was make me feel shitty for not reviewing anything and in the end i feel like me doing this will make me alot more active on the site and give me a new lease on my newgrounds life

and maybe for once I CAN FRIGGIN CATCH MADNESS DAY! (i SERIOUSLY need a calendar)

anyway i'll still review something if anyone asks but i'm kinda just gonna go radio silent unless someone talks to me first or i need to settle some beef or something like that


Posted by tarantuloid - April 3rd, 2019


i had to make a tough decision tonight i decided to liquify all of my art reviews

though alot of them might have been salvageable there were just too damn many nd i wrote most of them when i was just a sneaky teen looking at the naughty stuff on a library computer and i thought being gay sent you to hell so i think i'll just go review my favorite art at some point but i feel like i should stick to movies and games maybe music i'm no art critic and it's best to know my limits rather than utterly fail later


nothing left now but my audio reviews and i'll be all caught up